This article is shared here on To Lift and Inspire, with permission from the author, from a blog entitled “Staying In The Boat: Navigating Same Sex Attraction In The Gospel“.  

So what do I want my brothers and sisters in the gospel to know about my experience being a gay Mormon?

That we are in it together! Listen to us, reach out to us in love, build your understanding of who we are, and have faith in a Savior who has the power to bring us all back home if we let Him.

***NOTE:  The word gay means different things to different people. The Church in an official statement says, “People can make their own choices about how to identify. There are active, temple recommend–holding Church members who comply with the law of chastity and identify themselves as gay, lesbian, or bisexual. There are active Church members who experience same-sex attraction and never choose to identify themselves using a label. Our primary identity will always be as a child of God.” (From http://www.mormonandgay.lds.org) 

For many of us, “gay” is simply a word used to describe feeling attracted to the same sex. Same-sex attraction, or SSA, is another term, and I often use gay and SSA interchangeably. In this post, the word gay does not necessarily mean engaging in homosexual behavior, and I use it mostly out of convenience.

I have been a Latter-day Saint all my life. I have served a mission, attend the temple regularly, have a calling in my ward, and even sign up occasionally to bring a dessert to ward parties.

I have also been gay all my life. I am not “out” to most members, mostly because I would prefer not to draw attention to myself, or be labeled in my interactions. However, I have often wondered what I would tell my ward, if they asked, what it means to be gay in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Here are 4 things I would want them to know.

1. We Are Here!

Yes, we are here. The church is clear that having same-sex attraction is not a sin. Same-sex attraction does not need to be changed, fixed, or repented of to receive the full blessings of the gospel. We belong here as much as anyone. Some of us are quiet, others are more outspoken and share this part of us openly. Some of us are married, some are single, others divorced. Some of us you would never suspect. Members are often surprised to know that there is a high probability, almost a certainty, that there is at least one member in your ward who has same-sex attraction. We are your teachers, your ministering companions, your primary workers. Some of us are even bishops or stake presidents. We are your young men and young women. We are here.

Therefore, it is best if you avoid talking about “gays” as if we are some abstraction, some group of people who exist somewhere else. Surprise! We are right here beside you.

So obviously, please don’t make jokes or demean us in young men’s or elders quorum, or anywhere else for that matter. Even worse, don’t talk about us as if we are the enemies of the Church. I have been in entire Sunday School classes where we are discussed as if we were, and it made me feel small and very unwelcome. We are not your enemies. We are your brothers and sisters. We are sitting right next to you, some of us working hard to build Zion right alongside you.

Some of us are struggling, asking ourselves if we belong here. Some of us are depressed, even suicidal. Some of us are fighting a difficult battle between our love for the gospel and our sexual feelings, and we simply want to feel connected and loved. Don’t be the one who drives us away, or makes us feel like we are not “fellow citizens with the saints” (Eph. 2:19). In this church, we need you and you need us.

2. The Gospel Works!

Some members who begin learning about those of us with same-sex attraction have a crisis of faith. How can this family-centered church still be true for those of us who are gay?

First of all, don’t assume the church’s teachings about homosexuality are too hard, unenlightened, or that any one of us is doomed to fail in the gospel because of our attractions. There have been a lot of voices lately that argue that our temple marriages are “not real,” that our covenants of chastity are unrealistic, and that we are following “illusions.” Some, including active members, insist that we cannot be truly happy unless we are “true to ourselves,” which they define as living with a homosexual partner. Others insist that the church is outright toxic, our prophets are dotardly and backwards, and that living the gospel makes us depressed and suicidal.

This is false.

The gospel of Jesus Christ has been my lifeline. It has given me peace and hope, and helped me grow into who I am. The gospel has given power and a sense of belonging to many, many other gay Mormons as well. Jesus Christ is the Savior of the world, this is His church, and He has prepared the way that “all men might be saved” if we repent and come unto Him (Hel. 12:23-25). I have been challenged, yes, and had many reasons to repent and make changes. The road of discipleship is challenging for all of us. But always have I felt the sweet assurance that my Savior is there, guiding me along and strengthening me. Covenants come with promised power to overcome the mortal challenges we all face, and we can rely fully on those promises.

Yes, the gospel works for me and for all of us, because the atonement is infinite. Because of Christ, there is no one for whom the rules (or the blessings!) do not apply. The blessings in my life have been truly incredible because of my choice to keep my covenants.

In your eagerness to offer support and tolerance, do not encourage us to take a path that leads us away from Jesus Christ. Be patient and loving if some of us end up leaving the Church or forsake our covenants, but be firm in your faith that the gospel is the way back to our Heavenly Father. Be firm in your faith that Christ has His loving eye on those of us who wander. Trust Him!

3. Listen!

If any of us trust you enough to talk to you about our attractions, just listen. No matter what you know already, don’t be so quick to box us up with preconceived ideas or explanations. The majority of us have painfully and carefully considered what it means to be gay for years, even decades. Often we have struggled alone and in silence, and are looking to you for love, support, and acceptance. Some of us have strong testimonies and a deep love of our Savior. Many of us love the church as much as you do! We have been working hard to figure this out, and we need you to listen.

In general, don’t jump in to give us advice unless we ask for it. Above all, please don’t compare being gay to pedophilia, or alcoholism, or try to talk about your trials and compare them to ours. Just listen. If we ask you for advice, give it, but try to talk only about what you know for sure. Many questions about being gay not even the apostles have answers for, and they are not afraid to say so. Chances are, you don’t have all the answers either. None of us do. We can be okay with that. Instead, talk to us about your testimony of Jesus Christ. Talk to us about your belief in the Plan of Happiness. Talk to us about the infinite atonement. Fill us with love and hope.

Be patient if we push the gospel answers away. If we are not ready to hear about the gospel, you can always talk to us about love, and then show us what unconditional love means through your actions. Be genuine in your love and friendship. Pray for us. If you feel uncomfortable, be honest, but please don’t ignore us, or avoid us in the hallways, or stop inviting us over or forbid us to interact with your kids.

In this world of endless and destructive debate and argument, let’s be open, accept what we don’t know, show true friendship, and listen to each other.

4. We Can Do This Together!

A gay member’s journey to Christ sometimes feels like Peter walking on water. It seems daunting and impossible, but with our eyes fixed on Him, we can do it. Like Peter, some of us are stepping out on that water and walking on it, feeling it firm under our feet. But also like Peter, some of us are sinking as we see the waves boisterous around us, especially if we are walking alone in the church.

What would have happened if all those disciples that saw Peter hesitating on the water had trusted the Lord enough to clamber out of that boat after him? I wonder what would have happened if they had put their arms around him to encourage him, glancing at each other and grinning with the miracle of each watery step, and supported one another as they made their way unitedly towards the Savior. I think it would have been different.

Being gay in the church is a difficult challenge, but it is far from impossible. Christ has prepared a way. He is the way. Through Him, we can do difficult things. When a brother or a sister is sinking and cries out “Lord, save me!” we can be those arms that reach down and lift them back up again (Mat. 14:24-31). We can’t do it alone, and if gay members are an unpleasant or confusing idea to the rest of you, then we will continue to sink beneath the waves, and, tragically, our wards will continue to have empty seats. But if we all work together, both straight and gay members, we can make it. Hand in hand, with charity and in united brotherhood and sisterhood, we can walk on water to Jesus. Whether you yourself have same-sex attraction, or you struggle knowing how to support those who do, we can get there together.

So what do I want my brothers and sisters in the gospel to know about my experience being a gay Mormon?

That we are in it together! Listen to us, reach out to us in love, build your understanding of who we are, and have faith in a Savior who has the power to bring us all back home if we let Him.